I slept fitfully last night. This morning I woke up and my mind went back to when I was a teenager and would dream of being 30, with all of its grown up responsibility and freedom. I remember spending my weekend mornings helping mum with her household chores. I remember helping her sort the groceries, making tea for my dad as he got ready for work, singing along to Anne Murray or Tom Jones songs as the weekend morning kicked-off in the bliss of domesticity .What followed was some homework, leisurely afternoon chats, mom’s cooking and a jaunt to New Market for some customary window shopping.
Now that I’m not too far from 30, I find myself wishing I could be a teenager again.
Very occasionally, on days like today, I lie in bed, close my eyes tight and wish that things would be slightly different. But instead of opening my eyes and having my wish come true I open them to long to-do lists staring at me in the face and a plethora of other things screaming out for my attention. Nothing is significant enough on its own to cause me distress but all together sometimes they bring my spirits down. So I take a few deep breaths. Get out of bed, make myself a mug of coffee and take on the world, one person or problem at a time. I try to prioritize, get little or no exercise and the cycle continues.
The world looks a lot different today. I return to an empty home, and though call rates are cheap, there are hardly any stories worth narrating to mum and dad. The casual banter with my neighbors is missing – replaced by the impersonal hi! on Facebook. I don’t even know when seasons change; of course they do, but only outside the glass windows of my workplace and the ones at home that I never open.
Today is one of those days. You know, the kind of day when you’re reminded that being an adult is difficult and very overrated?
Don’t get me wrong. I love how my life is right now. Of course there are things that I wish could be different. I wish I could spend more time with my family, I wish I had more chances to goof around with my dog, I wish I could travel more, I wish more of my friendships would endure the tests of time and distance, but that being said, I am grateful for the way my life is. I know I’m blessed.
It’s just that there are days when I wake up and think of people from my past. People I’ve not thought about in a while, people who’ve probably forgotten me. They were important to me at different points in time, that’s changed. I relive childhood memories, I become nostalgic about times spent watching my mum and dad slow dance on a Saturday evening, or singing along with my brother as he strummed his guitar. I miss sharing my dreams with my college friends. You see what I mean? So many things change as we get older. It’s inevitable and that’s what I hate most!
Life was so much easier back then when scrapes from my bicycle ride were the worst pain I could think of, or the worst fight I had was about who should have the remote control. Life was so much easier when goodbyes meant “I’ll see you tomorrow.” But, as we grow up things change. Or maybe we do. Gradually fading away, drifting with the flow, losing ourselves, forgetting childhood dreams and old promises. We get lost in the whirlpool of professional priorities and synthetic emotions.
As we grow up things change. It is so much tougher to be happy. We want more from life, we expect more from people. People disappoint us. We lose more. We trust less. Dream less. Sleep less. Anyways, I could ramble on and on about childhood memories and adult realizations but all I’m really saying is this: As we grow up things change drastically and I wish they didn’t have to.