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What now God?

In a little more than a month, I’ll turn 28 and before I know it, I’ll be over and done with my twenties. As of now, I am growing increasingly aware of the generation gap that exists when I’m around the younger students I interact with, and I find myself in more and more conversations that sometimes subtly but most often not-so-subtly inquire why I’m not yet married. Some of these people even graciously offer to ‘find me someone’ because ‘I have to settle down soon’. My waistline too…well, let’s leave that for another blog post.

This past year however, has been unlike any other. There were times when I struggled with a gloomy sense of stagnation, a feeling that only in recent months has begun to lift. There were times when I was disillusioned, without a clear understanding or direction for my immediate future. I’ve even toyed with the idea of uprooting from my present life in Dubai and completely starting over somewhere else, doing something else, something completely different. I even pondered over the thought of taking a two-year sabbatical to study some more and re-evaluate what I want from my life. Strange ideas that left very strange feelings, feelings that left me extremely uncomfortable and unsure of myself. So unlike me.

I wish I could say that this whirlwind of emotions took me by surprise, but strangely I think I’ve felt it coming for some time now. I’m not an overly religious person but I do believe God has a plan for me. I just wonder where he is leading me and what I am supposed to be learning along the way. It seems like every time I think I have it all figured out, just then everything changes and even though this has happened at several points in my life, I’m not used to the way it makes me feel and im forced to throw my hands up and say ‘What now God?’.

Earlier this evening, I read something I had written to myself a year ago and was reminded that at every significant juncture of my life I’ve lived by faith. I guess 28 years of life experience has taught me that everything that happens is part of the journey… my journey.  My idea of faith is not about trusting blindly. I have my moments of doubting, worrying, questioning and still from all of that slowly I’m reminded that I can rest assured and trust that there is a higher power that I cannot comprehend working to guide me, leading me towards my dreams, to what’s meant to be.

The waiting gets difficult sometimes. Sometimes I feel like God is testing me and sometimes I feel like he’s pushing me to test myself. Right now I’m still trying to figure out where I’m headed.  But, like always I’ll just wait patiently for some direction. God always comes through for me in one way or another. Always.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths. –Proverbs 3:5

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