4 Comments

265 Words of The Story I’ve been writing – Constructive Criticism Is Welcome

The distinct sounds of Arab music drifted through the air as a cool evening breeze blew across the desert that evening. The lights from the Bedouin camp sparkled in the distance as the little bulbs slowly flickered to life and came on to dot the desert landscape. Darkness slowly descended over the emirate.

Yasmeen had been into the desert a number of times – this was her get away, her safe haven from the madness that had become her life. Yet, a palpable fear surged through her body that evening. Her mind was reeling from a million thoughts that came crashing down like waves breaking on a rocky coast. She was confused, disillusioned and extremely nervous.

In the distance, Dubai’s high rises and iconic structures rose out of the horizon of the desert sands to paint the imposing skyline of this Middle-Eastern Shangri-La. She was in the centre of the modern world, sandwiched between a past that threatened to destroy her and a future gleaming with opportunity.

Yasmeen slowly rose, dusting the sand off her and crushing out the cigarette butt that had begun to stain her fingers. She had to trace her steps back to the camp. It was late and people would soon begin to worry about her. She wiped her tear stained cheeks with the back of her hand, smoothed back her hair and began descending the dunes. Her Arabian Nights story had gone all wrong, but now was not the time to regret. There were too many people around: none of whom recognized or cared about the lost look in her eyes.

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4 comments on “265 Words of The Story I’ve been writing – Constructive Criticism Is Welcome

  1. Phew! Thank god…didn’t want to sound overly critical or anything, just the one feeling I got from reading the beginning of your story. Do keep posting though and let us know what the whole situation/story is about.

    No I am not in Dubai. I was working there for about a year in 2002 so impressions from then :-). Hey if you want to read my stuff send me your mail and I will send you some of the short stories I have written. I’d love to get feedback and yes, don’t hold back any punches. My mail-id is rahulmitra@hotmail.com.

  2. Hi Rahul,

    First of all, thank you for simply taking the time out to read this stuff. You know, when this blog started it was simply a means of putting my thoughts out there. Over time however, it has become such a lovely medium of meeting like minded people. The fact that you spend time reading about my experiences and have taken time out to reply is much, much appreciated!

    I’m so happy that you said, what you said. The reason being, I too feel similarly. I tend to get carried away with the mental imgages playing out in my mind and that gets reflected in the verbose writing style. Infact another blogger said he liked it, but the style reminded him of ‘Chick Lit’ If you know what that means… 🙂

    The resopnse has been encouraging and I will take into account the advice whenever I sit down to carry on from where I’ve left off…whenever that is!

    Thank you again, please keep reading and keep the comments coming. I’d love to read some of your stuff too.

    Are you located in Dubai?

    If you are, I promise to engage you in a debate on all things Dubai and Chetan Bhagat.

    Adios!

    Sydney

  3. My friend,

    I have been reading your various posts with interest since yesterday and just saw this. This despite the fact that I passionately disagree with your views on Chetan Bhagat as well as Arabs/Emiratis/Dubai society. I saw this post and being an aspiring author myself, I feel compelled to give my comments for whatever they are worth.

    There is not a lot you have posted, so one can’t really say much about the meat of the story. However, your start is promising because little as it is it been able to evoke curiosity as to know more, to know what the situation is about etc.

    My only comment is that some of the language is heavy. Everyone has a different way of looking at things, but I personally feel that the entire story after you write it will only get better if you reduce verbosity and cliched references. Keep simple direct sentences. For instance, think about this “Her mind was reeling from a million thoughts that came crashing down like waves breaking on a rocky coast. She was confused, disillusioned and extremely nervous.”

    If your story has real meat in it, I suspect it will hit that much harder if you use simple direct sentences and allude to emotions etc. not directly but a bit more subtly. of course, different people will tell you different things but this is my take on things. Best of luck with your writing!!!

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