Today I’m going to write something cathartic for purely selfish reasons. This post is from me, to me and for me. While I’m quite open to radical changes on the professional front, it’s my personal life that I find is too well guarded, to walled in and too firmly fortified. In short I think I have too many defenses- for a wide range of reasons. But today I’m asking myself, ‘why’?
We all have defenses… Webster defines it as “a means of protecting” or as “an attempt to retain.’’ Having defenses makes sense when we are defending something valuable. Being protective and defending something is just natural behavior.
So, what do I normally defend?
Where I’m concerned, I often find that I’m simply defending my old ideas, beliefs and personal philosophies. Defending how things have been for a while. Defending against the feeling of fear – the fear of being wrong, hurt or alone at the end of it all.
However, I’ve come to realize that holding tight to something against the fear of the unknown is not really defending something that is of value. It is simply holding on to the past and doing what you’ve always done; I think it is more hiding than defending.
Trust me, I have (you will probably too) all sorts of justifications, rationalizations, and Oprah-ish jargon that supports a defense, when in reality it is just a smoke screen against being scared of something new.
So I guess the questions I’m asking myself today are: What walls do I put up? Why do I do it? and…
So many questions…